my heart skips a beat, with each sound of your name...
i sit each day thinking of you, of us...
im lost in your love
never felt feelings this intense...
the pounding of my heart....
a certain difficulty in breathing....
the unsteadyness of my fingers....
i long for you....
i long for your touch....
each beep on my phone sends shivers down my spine...
hoping it's you...
wishing it's you...
i really wish you were here with me....
almost cant bare that you far from me...
each day i replay....
every conversation we've had...
over and over...
sayin...
if only...
if only we both had not let various obstacles come into the way...
if only you had told me what you felt for me...
is this what it feels like to be loved, and to love in return?
is this what it feels like to really care for someone?
i count each day that passes by
im happy wit each day that goes by,
cus i know...
it draws me closer to you...
closer to your warmth
closer to your touch..
closer to seeing your face again..
you're the best thing that's happened to me...
these past couple of years...
hostility from people around...
just makes my love for you stronger..
unlike the titanic...
my love for you will never be sinkable...
you are my world,
you are my everything.
and i'll forever thank God for bringing you to me...
i love you........
i love you forever..
13 September 2009
Coming out of the Closet
As i make up my mind to tell, i feel a certain chill envelope my whole being, i try to brace myself as i walk up to him, my boyfriend, the love of my life, that i've betrayed, cheated on. I call him dstracting him from the game on tv, and he answers, staring at me with this sweet endearing look in his eyes, my heart goes out to him and it's all i can do not to chicken out. "Dare" i say again "yes babe... the game's on of course i know that... i say in my head "i like girls" i whisper "what? can you say that again" "i said i like girls" so big deal" he says turning back to concentrate on his game. "you dont get" i say getting hysterical "what is it with you?" he asks obviously puzzled i know then that he dos not understand me and probably too self absorbed to even try to. should i tell him in clearer words or should i leave him to his man-ness? i argue within me. i mean things would
just be alot easier if i say nothing and let sleeping dogs lie. for a moment, just a moment, i decide to let things be. But that par of my head where my concience resides seem to have a stronger hold on me as i find myself telling him again this time slower and in less vague terms about my perference for girls. The look on his face is one i'll never forget. it was lik i had dealt him a huge blow in his groins with a two by four base ball bat. It was suprise first, then disgust, before hate. All in quick successions, and it was at that point i believed that truely there is a thin line between love and hate, and maybe, just maybe i had helped Dare cross that line. He stands up and attempts to walk past me and as i try to use my small frame to block his way, he pushes me, causing me to twist my ankle as i fall. I do not know what hurts most at that moment, the twisted ankle or the sabbing pain in my chest. Dare would never hurt a fly, or so i
thought. Guess i had pushed him to his limit, guess i deserve every for of pain my body is being subjected to. I manage to drag myself upstairs, not minding my throbbing foot but concentrating more on theexcruciating pain on my chest. maybe i should not have said anything, maybe i should have let things as they were. Why do i have to go and destroy something so perfect, so true and pure. Now im loosing the one person that made me understand whan it means to love, the only one i felt normal around. What have i done, i scream silently. I feel empty for the rest of the day and i cant help but wonder where Dare is, what he's doing to himself, who he's with...... while i sit and wait for Dare to return, i take a trip down memory lane and revive the sequence of events that got me on this path. I was just a teenager, a few years befor my twentieth birthday when i began to have these cravings to be with girls, i could remember that while my mates
would fantasize about famous male celebrities, mine was with the females. i knew i was not normal, my God it was obvious i was not. i would get turned on by asses and boobs and not by broadchested hunks. i had to have been born that way. then my fantasies were brought to reality by Bimbo. That day would forever remain the one significant day that changed my life for good. I was overwhelmed by the pleasures gotten from my escapades with her. It was like i had been shown a whole new world with lots of beautiful places and the free will to explore. it's been five years since the event with Dare happened. i never told anyone else about my preference and Dare was kind enough to keep my secret between us. Though myself and him would never be friends. And even as i pray to god every day to take away this abmormality, i know, deep within me that i'd forever remain a Lesbian.
just be alot easier if i say nothing and let sleeping dogs lie. for a moment, just a moment, i decide to let things be. But that par of my head where my concience resides seem to have a stronger hold on me as i find myself telling him again this time slower and in less vague terms about my perference for girls. The look on his face is one i'll never forget. it was lik i had dealt him a huge blow in his groins with a two by four base ball bat. It was suprise first, then disgust, before hate. All in quick successions, and it was at that point i believed that truely there is a thin line between love and hate, and maybe, just maybe i had helped Dare cross that line. He stands up and attempts to walk past me and as i try to use my small frame to block his way, he pushes me, causing me to twist my ankle as i fall. I do not know what hurts most at that moment, the twisted ankle or the sabbing pain in my chest. Dare would never hurt a fly, or so i
thought. Guess i had pushed him to his limit, guess i deserve every for of pain my body is being subjected to. I manage to drag myself upstairs, not minding my throbbing foot but concentrating more on theexcruciating pain on my chest. maybe i should not have said anything, maybe i should have let things as they were. Why do i have to go and destroy something so perfect, so true and pure. Now im loosing the one person that made me understand whan it means to love, the only one i felt normal around. What have i done, i scream silently. I feel empty for the rest of the day and i cant help but wonder where Dare is, what he's doing to himself, who he's with...... while i sit and wait for Dare to return, i take a trip down memory lane and revive the sequence of events that got me on this path. I was just a teenager, a few years befor my twentieth birthday when i began to have these cravings to be with girls, i could remember that while my mates
would fantasize about famous male celebrities, mine was with the females. i knew i was not normal, my God it was obvious i was not. i would get turned on by asses and boobs and not by broadchested hunks. i had to have been born that way. then my fantasies were brought to reality by Bimbo. That day would forever remain the one significant day that changed my life for good. I was overwhelmed by the pleasures gotten from my escapades with her. It was like i had been shown a whole new world with lots of beautiful places and the free will to explore. it's been five years since the event with Dare happened. i never told anyone else about my preference and Dare was kind enough to keep my secret between us. Though myself and him would never be friends. And even as i pray to god every day to take away this abmormality, i know, deep within me that i'd forever remain a Lesbian.
The Escavation of Innocence
No one dies the way they are born different events in life shape the nature of human existence. Is innocence the same as ignorance? both mean `lacking knowledge` but are of different origin and used in different context.
Personally i feel a point of innocence is reached when it becomes ignorance. but i cant help asking where the line is drawn. when does it all end?
is it when we begin socialization with the outside world?
when we've gotten canal knowledge of a person of the opposite sex?
or better still when we are no longer moved by the happenings around us.. whether good or bad?..
it's amazing to see a young person of an impressionable age full of life and experience, yet on the other hand we're faced with a grown human, knowing what is right, but just deciding not to go along that lane. i guess we'd most probably not waste time tagging this adult as an ignorant person while we'd see the young person as a well informed and matured fellow.
thinking over this brings us to the question... what defines maturity?.... is it one's way of life, attitude, association, knowledge, age, experiences? i for one do not believe that all these are underlying factors for the defination of maturity. answers to these are extremely difficult especially when i try to fathom where ignorance comes in.
going through a book a few days back, i was struck by a particular sentence the author made.. he said..`you grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself` `this stuff has nothing to do with maturity`... i thought to myself. `i mean i laugh at myself alot` but when i considered the words in the context being used by the author, i saw that it did make sense. it's obvious that it's not just about laughing at one's self literally, but about taking events and situations in strides, about viewing life as a two way journey, about being eager to take that journey, and forging ahead even when met with obstacles and road blocks. i saw that's it's about making mistakes and learning from them, about knowing that `Shit happens` and getting over it in order to move on. YEAH this definately describes what a matured person would do..
i've also come to understand that humans grow up only when they experience or are met with certain situations... everyone says experience is the best teacher, i'll have to agree wit this, cus in my opinion............ TO BE CONTINUED
Personally i feel a point of innocence is reached when it becomes ignorance. but i cant help asking where the line is drawn. when does it all end?
is it when we begin socialization with the outside world?
when we've gotten canal knowledge of a person of the opposite sex?
or better still when we are no longer moved by the happenings around us.. whether good or bad?..
it's amazing to see a young person of an impressionable age full of life and experience, yet on the other hand we're faced with a grown human, knowing what is right, but just deciding not to go along that lane. i guess we'd most probably not waste time tagging this adult as an ignorant person while we'd see the young person as a well informed and matured fellow.
thinking over this brings us to the question... what defines maturity?.... is it one's way of life, attitude, association, knowledge, age, experiences? i for one do not believe that all these are underlying factors for the defination of maturity. answers to these are extremely difficult especially when i try to fathom where ignorance comes in.
going through a book a few days back, i was struck by a particular sentence the author made.. he said..`you grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself` `this stuff has nothing to do with maturity`... i thought to myself. `i mean i laugh at myself alot` but when i considered the words in the context being used by the author, i saw that it did make sense. it's obvious that it's not just about laughing at one's self literally, but about taking events and situations in strides, about viewing life as a two way journey, about being eager to take that journey, and forging ahead even when met with obstacles and road blocks. i saw that's it's about making mistakes and learning from them, about knowing that `Shit happens` and getting over it in order to move on. YEAH this definately describes what a matured person would do..
i've also come to understand that humans grow up only when they experience or are met with certain situations... everyone says experience is the best teacher, i'll have to agree wit this, cus in my opinion............ TO BE CONTINUED
8 September 2009
Obsession now a Confession
Like a predator on a prey, it follows me around, almost catching up wit me, sometimes catching up with me.
it's a feeling that no matter how far i seem to run from, it keeps catching up with me, screaming in my face... you can run but you cant hide.. HA!!
Im puzzled, overwhelmed, intrigued, and most of all confused...
cus no matter how much i try to hide, i find myself enveloped in these cravings, feelings that i cant explain, figure out, just understand...
if only i can put a word to it, i'd feel so much better.
i feel so abnormal cus what i feel is far from normal,
it's spectacular, yet provoking. im not ashamed, yet im embarrassed.
im embarrassed that i seem to be the only one feeling these things.
im embarrassed that people will they me and probably ostracise as a pathetic, terrible and corrupt person.
yet im not ashamed, im not ashamed because when im filled with these feelings, i just let go and be me, the real me comes out and i feel nothing could ever get better.
then im forced to face the ugly truth in the real world.
im hunted by past pleasures and pains gotten from these feelings.
leave me alone i scream out, please leave me alone i beg like the hunted being chased by the hunter...
it's a feeling that no matter how far i seem to run from, it keeps catching up with me, screaming in my face... you can run but you cant hide.. HA!!
Im puzzled, overwhelmed, intrigued, and most of all confused...
cus no matter how much i try to hide, i find myself enveloped in these cravings, feelings that i cant explain, figure out, just understand...
if only i can put a word to it, i'd feel so much better.
i feel so abnormal cus what i feel is far from normal,
it's spectacular, yet provoking. im not ashamed, yet im embarrassed.
im embarrassed that i seem to be the only one feeling these things.
im embarrassed that people will they me and probably ostracise as a pathetic, terrible and corrupt person.
yet im not ashamed, im not ashamed because when im filled with these feelings, i just let go and be me, the real me comes out and i feel nothing could ever get better.
then im forced to face the ugly truth in the real world.
im hunted by past pleasures and pains gotten from these feelings.
leave me alone i scream out, please leave me alone i beg like the hunted being chased by the hunter...
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